Head spinning at a rate I can’t measure, eyes searching for something I’m yet to decipher and suddenly I’m aware of each breath that goes in, each nerve in my body, suddenly I’m more attuned to my existence, surprised at the no. of outcomes my brain can calculate. A hand on the chest trying to conceal the pain, thoughts gushing down like the blood in those veins…
How do I soothe myself?
I look at my phone and I dial.. a to-do list that flies. I disconnect.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
And countless more.
Hi, I’m Monika, and this is my story of TheUnheards or my story unheard.
Don’t we all at some point in our life go through these overwhelming emotions and the undecipherable thoughts that don’t seem to have an end, some more than others, but we all do, right?
I remember people assuring me it’s going to be fine, don’t think so much! Oh, I wonder how that might feel. Oh! I wonder how not to think might feel. Sitting in the corner of my bed, I don’t know how many nights I spent wondering how, just how is it so easy for some people to be normal? Eh? Now what sense does this make? But to me, this is the question that took up most of my curiosity! How can some people go to a gathering without having 100s of thoughts and possible judgements running ceaselessly through the mind, how can people accept love and not question themselves at every point, how can people watch an emotional movie without having a mini anxiety attack, how can some people say no to their close ones for something that they don’t wanna do right now, Just how? I wonder how it feels.
I also remember not being like this. I remember I had so many stories to tell, so many feelings I could share just so easily, being the centre of every event. I remember how simple felt. But I don’t remember where exactly this all started crossfading into the complicated.
As the life went on, I reflected a lot, as usual self doubting all through. Trying to find the bug in my system. I had so many people who loved me, so many to listen and so many to guide me. I had loved ones more than most of the people around, but then why? Why this incompleteness? Why the error?
As I went on trying to find the fault, obviously the fault in me, trying to share, trying to say, I realised I had so many to love, so many to listen, so many to tell me what I can do.
But, none.
None to hear.
Now I realised why I disconnected so many calls feeling empty with a tear rolling down my eyes.
I was guided but not understood.
I was loved but not secured.
I was encouraged but not comforted.
I was cared for but not looked after.
I was someone whom they listened to but not heard.
I was Unheard.Monika Singh Chahal