Feelings as they “Quote”

एक नाराज़गी सी है दिल में जरुर, पर मैं खफ़ा किसी से नहीं।

There I was laying down on the dried grass below, the wind passing by oh! So mellow. The Sky making those shapes out of its clouds, nature in my ears far out from the crowds.

Peace fills your heart with glee, your soul feels at its best. Lighter feels your body, Your mind is at rest. You feel restored. Then why did I lay down with such heaviness, why wasn’t my soul at its best, why wasn’t this peace granted to me? They said I’ll feel relaxed then why were my temples strained? My hands clenched?

I came back home everyday with nothing more but calm in my ears. I kept thinking about all the books that talked about these feelings, all the dialogues in those movies about how free you feel, the articles on how being in a place like that does to you. Then why didn’t it do all that to me? Why wasn’t I granted those feeling they kept “quoting”.

I too chose a quiet place, a little away from daily.
I too tried to lay down and relax.
I too tried to breathe in the air peacefully.
I too tried to calm my soul.
I too tried to feel the feelings.

Then WHY?

Years later now I figured that out, Finally. Let me take you back and read that again:
I too chose a quiet place, a little away from daily.
I too tried to lay down and relax.
I too tried to breathe in the air peacefully.
I too tried to calm my soul.
I too tried to feel the feelings.
A bit too many “tried” was it

Sometimes in life, the problem actually lies in trying too hard. Trying too hard to fit. In my case, I was trying too hard to feel. Feel something that they said it feels like. Feel something that sounded so nice. I wanted that. But where I went wrong?

I tried, too hard.

How was I supposed to feel calm when I assigned my mind the work of making me feel good and I kept telling my heart what it should feel like right now. It doesn’t work that way, right? And I’m glad it doesn’t, it makes us more human you see. To feel something you can’t control, to have thoughts you can’t decipher, the emotions so many, a human just in trouble.

I tried this with a lot of other scenarios too. I went to the beach, closed my eyes, concentrated on my breaths, heard the sea meeting its shore. I went to parks, Looked at people around, Trying to see the happiness in them, looking at the birds singing, children with all their innocent plays, felt the grass on my feet. I took myself places to feel what they “quote” you should.

Years later now I think I was too harsh on myself. How could I force myself to do some thing I was not ready for? I wasn’t prepared for that kind of peace. I put myself at war then went out looking for my soul to relax.

I was angry inside, not on someone, but very angry.

So many of us are suffering just by doing this step wrong, Raging a war inside and then going on the lookout for a truce. Can the soil give forth fruit without being nourished? I say No. So is that the fault of the seed? Is it the fault of the soil or the water or the Sun? Whose? I say Nobody. Just a lack of preparation and readiness. In my case too, I had to prepare myself. Tell me that it’s okay, it’s just not our due season for all those feelings to come forth. One has to be okay with what one feels. Acknowledging it, The first step towards healing. And whenever I’m able to do that I feel myself with a tingle of peace, as if I’m thankful to myself, for making it feel comfortable. Don’t let yourself on the path of being and feeling normal. It drains you out because that’s not you. You are different and the difference catches the eye. Give those scars and the brokenness some credit they deserve, they just show how brave you were, what a warrior you are. Fought and still will. Not against self but for self. Let not the society tell you how you should feel and cut out scenarios for you or “quote feelings” you tell them how you feel and let them be okay with it, and even if not who cares, you win.
You won the love for yourself. And the reward? Don’t bother! Just keep growing. One “I too tried” less at a time.

I came across this article (link) and it did help me a lot, to understand what was happening inside me and how most of us are approaching it in the wrong way! Society cut out ways! The article talks about how forced positive thinking can work totally bizarrely! How we end up blaming ourselves for not being able to do basic things as being happy, how we categorize emotions in “I should feel” and “I shouldn’t be feeling this”. No, we humans were made up of all the emotions for a purpose, right? It’s there in our system for a reason, our disability to understand them doesn’t make them wrong, it doesn’t make them faulty rather our approach towards them is the faulty one. Acceptance is the key here. To accept and acknowledge whatever it is that you are feeling: Happy, angry, anxious, scared, hate, love, jealous, tired, gloomy, whatever, Just know that it’s okay, we all do. All.

Now when I say accepting and acknowledging I don’t mean to let them be, I mean not to let the blame fall on your shoulders, one surely has to deal with it. You can’t live with it forever, you can’t let it control you, but know that you are on your way. It will all come to you, just not today. Maybe you’ll never feel what you are trying to, maybe thats not what you are, take the signs, let yourself be the guide, listen, don’t let yourself be an “unheard” by you, let the brokenness become the part, let the light in. Don’t be the ice cube trying to fit in a ring, it wont, it wasn’t meant to. Let’s make sure that we are going to be the carpenters, carving out the beautiful in us, let’s make sure whenever we find ourselves trying to fit the ring, we will first be okay with it, then make sure that we remind ourselves to carve out and not to fit. Because that is not who we are.

Let’s make this a world where all emotions are seen respectfully.

Let’s take one healing at a time.

Monika Singh Chahal

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